MY SO-CALLED PERFECTIONISM AND HOW I GOT OVER IT

What IS perfectionism, exactly? And do you have it? 

The way it’s tossed around these days, it sounds like a consequence of unreasonably high standards. But I don’t buy it. I think we’re conflating two entirely different things, and it’s keeping us confused and stuck. 

The Perfectionist vs. The “Too Much of a Perfectionist” 

The Perfectionist, to concede for a moment that there is such a thing, is a person with unusually high (erm, particular) standards that INSISTS on meeting them, and so she does. This is not a problem for the true perfectionist, not in the sense that it’s holding her back. It might drive her crazy, but it also drives her achievement. She’s not “too much” of anything. She’s whatever she needs to be to accomplish her objectives. 

“Too Much of a Perfectionist,” well, we’re something else. We’re not fueled by the fires of our own excellence. It’s not the challenge of meeting our own standards that propels us forward. It’s the fear of not meeting the standards of others that shuts us down.

If you’ve been told you’re “too much of a perfectionist,” or find yourself toiling time after time, “it’s my perfectionism.” “I’m having trouble getting over my perfectionism,” then it’s probably not perfectionism that’s the problem.  

While the perfectionist is hovered over his soundboard to the wee hours of the morning mainlining Rockstar energy drinks until he gets that mix to where it’s truly music to his ears, we’re over here wondering if right now is really the right time to go into the studio, or maybe it’s best to scrub my grout first. Yes! That’s something I’ve been meaning to do for years, and I finally have the inspiration! While the perfectionist is perfecting those brilliant finishing touches, we’re not even starting, or we’re avoiding finishing, or we’re finding everything else to do BUT what we say we most want to be doing. 

BECAUSE…

It’s not the challenge of meeting our own high standards that propels us forward. It’s the fear of not meeting the perceived standards of others that shuts us down.

Because we might find out what we don’t want confirmed, that we’ve been right along. We’re NOT good enough. And everyone else will know. And people will judge us. They might say mean things. They might not like our post. They might express disappointment. They might tell us we’re doing it wrong. They might have imaginary thoughts that never actually even occur to them, but oh, they’re real inside our own heads! And our shame will feast upon our vulnerabilities like vultures to the carcass of our confidence. 

Not that I’ve really given it any thought. 

We’re not desperate to achieve perfection. We’re desperate to avoid rejection. 

THIS is the key difference between being a perfectionist and “struggling with perfectionism.” 

The problem with calling it “perfectionism” is that it overly romanticizes a fear of rejection into something suspiciously almost admirable-sounding. It doesn’t sound that bad, does it? Being a perfectionist? “Too much of a perfectionist?” How could I be too much of a perfectionist? What, are you telling me my standards are too high? I don’t want to lower my standards. You don’t think I can do it! (Actually, I don’t think I can either, and how dare you unknowingly agree with me!)

Even if this isn’t what is intended, this is how it feels to hear. It keeps us confused and strangely attached to it. We don’t really want to let go of our “perfectionism, do we? Deep down? It feels like giving up on ourselves. 

That’s the false premise. 

If I’m not putting myself or my work out there in the way I truly want or feel called to, it’s not because I'm “too much of a perfectionist.” It’s because I’m too much of a chicken. 

When I realized that my so-called perfectionism was actually a coward in chameleon’s clothing, I went, “Ew! Well I don’t like that one bit.” 

And I stopped fooling myself. 

I don’t want to be a coward, not here anyway, not in my work. (No need to get into tiny planes and glass elevators, or going to parties where I only know the host.)

Letting go of our perfectionism doesn’t mean letting go of the standards we genuinely want for ourselves. It’s not an excuse for churning out thoughtless dribble and proclaiming, “Look ma, no perfectionism!”

It’s the difference between thoughtful execution, delivered with care, and fear-based pleasing behavior that has nothing to do with the integrity of the act or the project. 

This blog, for instance. “Perfectionism” (i.e., fear of disapproval) would have me still spinning out over what it’s “supposed to” be or look like, what other coaches are doing with theirs, finding the exact right photo, format, schedule, whatever, none of which has anything to do with my ultimate objective, which is simply talking to you and sharing information that I’ve found helpful, in hopes it will help you, too. 

The antidote to this misdiagnosis of perfectionism is 1) to get clear on my genuine intended purpose, and 2) what I need to learn and do to achieve this purpose, and learn that, and do that. 

This is me doing that. I’m not sure there is a perfect or imperfect way. 

As long as I stay focused on that, I’m here. 

What would you be here, there, doing if you could call out your so-called perfectionism for what it is and tell it to bugger off? 

What is it you’re actually afraid of? 

What’s more important to you than that fear? That’s the thing to focus on. 

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Have you, too, been misdiagnosed (by yourself or others) with perfectionism?  Need help rewriting that script and properly treating your fear of disapproval? I can help. I offer a number of options for continued coaching, or feel free to start with a single session and see how you like it. Contact me through the form below, or email me directly at ginamarkscoaching@gmail.com  #perfectionism #perfection #finished #jonacuff #analysisparalysis #overwhelm #selfdoubt #success #art #artist #creative #creator #writer #musician #comedian #podcast #podcaster #entrepreneur #lifecoach #lifecoaching #lifecoachforcreatives #motivation #personalgrowth #selfhelp